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Food and Drink
Liquor Shaming *If a man manages to make it to a bed or other generally acceptable sleeping location before he passes out, he cannot be shamed. If he passes out anywhere else, he might as well have shaved off his own eyebrow. *A man shall not be shamed, either in an acceptable sleeping location or not, if his shoes are properly removed. This is a signal that he took the forethought and had the ability to remove his shoes before pussying out. Saliva : No man shall ever eat or drink after another man. If there is any possibility of saliva exchange, it is practically kissing. : Exception(1): '''For the sake of shots, 80 proof liquor is proven to kill man germs and is therefore allowed under man rules. Anything below 80 proof is not safe, but if it's below 80 proof, and it isn't beer, it doesn't belong in a man's glass, bottle or can. : '''Exception(2): '''When participating in partial & full contact sports, accidental sharing is permitted. Can Crushing : Crushing a can on your head was once a manly act, but the practice started back when beer cans were made of steel. Such an act required a forehead as tough as an anvil and triceps as big as a small child. (Our hats are off you you, Mr. Belushi.) Now, since cans are made from aluminum, any yahoo can perform this seemingly masculine act. Therefore, the can crushing has been banned from being a manly act. This rule does not apply to unopened cans. Drink Colors : There are only two acceptable colors for what a man is drinking. (1) Clear, as in Gin & Tonic, Vodka Tonic, Martinis. (2) Brown, as in Bourbon, Scotch, Whiskey and Beer. Only exceptions to this rule is under demonstration or challenge to manliness in which additives are added such as habanero sauce or snake venom. Sober Enough : A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight and/or fuck. Last Beer/Pizza : If you didn't bring it, and you didn't ask, don't touch it. Save the last for the guy who paid for the damn thing. Six-Pack : If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. Unless the man is Chuck Norris, and you want to get on his good side. Fruity : It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. Hangover : A hangover is not a reason to avoid drinking. It is a reason to drink some more, princess. Manliness Measure : A man's manliness is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol he can consume without requiring a fireman's lift home. Meat Meat is the primary source of sustenance for a man, and at no time will said man consume any type of meat substitute, such as Tofu or a Veggie-burger, or else bear the pseudonym Princess. Meat must come from a beast, and if at all possible, a beast from the wild. This does not indicate "free-roaming cattle," this means a wild boar. (Note: any man converting to a vegetarian for ANY REASON shall also bear the pseudonym princess.) Unless of course the man is born or needs to practice being a vegetarian because of religion, such as some Hindus and Catholics during Lent. Also, a man may avoid meat for medical reasons such as if he is in a life-or-death situation because he is morbidly obese, but then again, if you had to go without meat, why would you want to keep living anyway? Bacon : Possibly the manliest food available in a grocery environment, bacon is the staple of every meal. Do NOT grill bacon in the nude. A woman may cook bacon, unless the bacon is to be grilled. Men grill, women cook. Steak : if it came from a cow and isn't ground into processed beef - it shall be steak. anything else is just odd. Deer steak, boar steak, salmon steak and the like are to be GRILLED from the wild i.e. you kill em' then grill em' : '''Note: steak is to be grilled. DO NOT LET A WOMAN NEAR THE BOVINE UNTIL IT IS GRILLED! Hunting : Hunting, like a threesome with twins at level 9 foxiness, must be attempted whenever available. If there is an elk in the backyard, do not pet it. Kill it with your bare hands. It is now dinner. However, using deer stands or anything else with an ease level comparable to self-aiming rifles makes you a Princess, as the name "Hunting" implies you are to find your prey not wait on it, wuss. Barbecuing : Women may not touch the grill - ever. : Exception: If the Man grilling has died defending his food, the woman MUST save the steaks before grieving. : Grilling is essential to a man's way of life - it is the lifeblood of a meat-based diet. Do not wear an apron. Real men bathe in grease. Unless geographically limited, a man must attempt to grill with charcoal. A steak cooked more than medium-rare is a criminal act. Always buy high quality meats - even hamburger, so you can taste blood. Fire : Remember, there is no meat without fire, and no fire without meat. S'mores are to be eaten after burgers if at all. Any fire for the purpose of decoration must exceed three feet in height, and be used as a warning flare for passing jets. Propane : Propane is girly. Fire is a sacred tool to man, and should not be bastardized by the ease of pushing a button. The exception to this rule is Hank Hill and only because he has spent his life following all other man-laws. Truly, if not for his obsession with Propane (and the unfortunate dog-dancing incident) he would be one of the Man Code's highest devotees Pizza : Never leave pizza unattended with a room full of drunk buddies. Period. Lesser Foods Quiche : Real men DO NOT eat quiche. It is ok to admit to friends that you have been 'fed' quiche, but do not admit to ever voluntarily consuming quiche. Salad : Salad is not food. Women, children, and rabbits eat salad. They need it to grow. If you are a real man, all you need to grow is a bigger beard. Or a Hustler. This rule can be lifted if the salad is over fifty percent meat (aka a Burger). Putting Away Bread : After eating bread with the little plastic bag-crimper, do not put the crimper back on the bread bag. It is physically impossible for a man to do this. Spin the bread and tuck the flap under. Slicing Bread : A man must use the largest, most dangerous knife at hand when slicing bread. Or anything sharp. A man will never use a bread slicer, instead if no knife or other sharp implement is at hand, he will rip said bread apart with his teeth. Restaurant Etiquette Ordering : While ordering at a restaurant, a man must be able to pronounce the food that he is ordering without asking for help of any kind. A man shall never order anything with an overly faux-European name, such as the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruit at IHOP. Save for attempting to look "cultured" and "suave" in the company of a suggestively-dressed woman. Decision Time : A man must not take longer than the woman to decide. We came to that restaurant to eat and NOT look over the menu. It is your job to hurry the woman along. If you are slow, do not use "umm" "uhh" or any other placeholder. The server will NOT walk away from you. Eating : A man must eat with the utensils provided to him. It is not permissible to ask for a fork and spoon at a Chinese/Japanese restaurant (lest ye be called incompetent), and it is likewise not permissible to ask for a pair of chopsticks if fork/knife is the default (showoff). If there is any doubt, men are required to eat with their hands. Food Etiquitte : If eating a popsicle in public, the man must bite the popsicle and not lick or suck. Same rule applies with bananas. : No man must eat a hotdog without a bun, unless it is to add more meat to chilli. : When drinking a drink out of a cup that accepts a lid a lid is not to be used, lids are for children (Exception: When going through the drive through and eating in the car) Cooking : A man doesnt cook, unless it's his job or he wants to impress a woman.